It'll sort itself out?

Throughout all this mess, I have been so grateful that I am able to sleep. However tonight, I have had a few hours and am very much awake, thinking about what has happened recently. The blog helps me to destress, so here is what's happened since I last wrote almost three weeks ago.

The dates set by the courts for the CAFCASS review has been fast approaching. I check the mail every day waiting for an envelope from CAFCASS, so I will have a date to aim for. A letter did arrive last week. It was a letter from the court advising me to attend a hearing as they had received a letter from the commissioner of CAFCASS advising the time scales needed to be rescheduled. Yet more delay. I read it and didn't really feel anything. Empty. Almost apathetic. The system in this country has completely failed me. Yet more cost involved. As I have said previously with every day that passes, my boys are being moved further away. I have done things the proper way, remained dignified, and hopeful that the system will see what is going on and put a stop to it. It hasn't. It wont. It can't. People keep on telling me, "It'll sort itself out". Will it? How? The solicitors are powerless. The courts are scared to make decisions. CAFCASS are under resourced and over subscribed, other "more important" cases get prioritised. As they should, after all, I have a letter from social services saying there is absolutely nothing they would like to investigate further. It's only natural my case should be a low priority. However this doesn't help me, or more importantly, my children. We have been failed. I can see how many people in my situation will just think "There is nothing I can do, I can't keep on doing this" and things just fizzle out. Relationships between parents and children drift and are broken for good. It really is criminal.

Three other instances have happened, all worth mentioning as they show what I am up against;

I was hopeful that I could take the boys to a really big local derby football match. I had bought the season tickets after we had separated, but before the problems with her stopping me seeing the boys, and the allegations. The idea that it would provide some focus for the time me and  the boys had together. They both had enjoyed going to see the sporting events previously so with the agreement of their mother, I, along with another dad and his two sons, who my two are in school with, bought the seats. As of yet, they have not been able to use them. They haven't seen a single match. She will not allow, unless my Mother comes along as a chaperone. She knows full well that the boys have the seats, yet insists on putting the demands in place, knowing its an impossible situation. She even had the nerve to suggest that she would be more than willing to take the boys and I should give her the tickets so the boys didn't miss out. I think she somewhat missed the whole point when this was suggested as my intention was to spend the day at the football with the boys. I feel the only reason she is doing this is to prove I am prepared to put my own needs in spending time with the children before their own enjoyment of going to the football. I highly suspect she will manipulate the children into believing I am denying them the chance of seeing the football. The seats remain empty for nearly all games, I go alone. However on this occasion some other youngsters had the tickets. It was good to see them being used, but it hurts so much not being able to take my sons to watch a football match.

When I do get to see the boys, which is now for 3.5 hours per week, it is always with my Mother. A condition placed on her demands. Not enforced by the courts but agreed to. If I hadn't agreed to this I wouldn't be able to see them at all. Mum picks the boys from school and they are dropped back later on. I get a regular email which always states the boys need to be dropped back promptly at 7pm. This week, on doing this, she wasn't there. There was no-one at home to greet the boys. I waited for a few minutes and then phoned her mobile. Straight to answer phone. I left a message. Then took the boys back to my Mothers. We passed her en-route. I u-turned and dropped the boys back. I said nothing, aware of not wanting to cause a scene in front of the boys. Amazing how she is able to do this, and is not held accountable whatsoever.

My school lays on a production each year. They are always great occasions and really inspiring. In the passed I have taken the boys to watch some of the shows. They have always really enjoyed and are star struck when the pupils speak to the boys after the show! The production is next week, so I bought four tickets in the hope she would allow me to take the boys to watch it. My mother was to come as per usual. When I asked her if the boys could be returned home later the night of the show, she point blank refused saying it was not in the boys best interest as it was a school night and way passed their bed time. The show is on the last day of the term before they break for holiday. They would have been up a maximum of two hours more. My feelings are that the opportunity of seeing the show would far outweigh the fact they would maybe be tired on the last day of school. Sadly I had to return the tickets as she would not budge. I'm sorry boys. I did try.

It will sort itself out.